Why are women more emotional about sex than men

As studies show many women feel more liberated about sex in modern times - having as many one-night stands as men - Julia Oliphant asks why it it, then, that so many women still worry so much about it afterwards

I’ll be honest. The last time I had sex with a guy for the first time I didn’t feel totally fabulous about it afterwards. Actually, I'd go as far as to say I felt sort of, not fabulous at all. I have to admit that on occasion I have found the event (let’s call it that) leads to a whole host of afterthoughts seemingly hell-bent on destroying my psyche: Was that the right time? Did I like him enough? What will he think of me now? Should I maybe have just – what’s that word – waited?

Over the years, having listened to enough sexual anecdotes caveated with “I probably shouldn’t have,” or even, “I wish I hadn’t,” from my single female friends, I know I’m not the only one to experience post-coital vulnerability.

Ellen, a 25 year-old friend of mine admits that “after sex, I’m never 100per cent positive about it. Once I’ve slept with them I feel that everything I do from there on out is susceptible to judgement. If I’m frank, I feel like I’ve lost power.”

Power struggle

Granted, believing that you are engaged in some sort of power struggle with a man is detrimental to any relationship’s longevity. But when at the beginning it’s a blind confusion of texts, dates and alcohol, it’s easy to find yourself a contestant in the game called: “When the hell are we supposed to have sex?!” – possibly the most stressful game ever invented (after Boggle).

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Among male friends the consensus was, as Steve, a 30 year-old recruitment consultant remarked, that “the woman holds the cards in this respect”. That is, “up until sex, maybe,” counters 28 year-old advertising manager Alice, “but once we’ve surrendered that, we’re pretty much exposed. After I’ve had sex with a new guy I can’t help but worry I’ve let him get to the end goal, and I do often wind up feeling used.”

What is unclear to me is why women feel like this. Women are just as libidinous as men. Yes we're probably yet to acquire as many notches on our bed as men, but today we have twice as many sexual partners in our lifetime as we did 20 years ago and many of us are liberated enough to have as many one night stands as we please. Why then, when it comes to sex between a man and woman, do women have the propensity to feel more anxious about it?

^{Why do women worry more after sex?}

“This is the first time in human history in the western world that women, theoretically, can have sex whenever and with whomever they want. The problem is society hasn’t quite caught up yet. We haven't worked out how to judge these women," explains relationship psychologist and coach Susan Quilliam.

It's true. We're surrounded by pretty mixed messages: Be sexy but not too sexual mind, otherwise you're just a slut. There's a fine line between sex appeal and taking it too far and I agree with Quilliam that society is unsure as to where that line lies.

Author and sex memoirist Claire Dederer noted in an essay published inThe Atlantic that female sexuality is still largely mistaken as somehow adhering to a male fantasy. Wrongly assuming that the sole purpose of women’s sexual liberation is to attract men makes for damning comments on females who are openly sexually freer.

Quilliam remembers the reaction to her personal article which talked about her sex life, "while the press coverage was largely supportive I had to deal with comments from the public calling me a 63 year-old slag".

Stop moralising!

If society is still uncertain about female sexuality, how can we feel 100 per cent assured that our escapades won't be judged in some way? There must be a degree of internalisation of these messages which prevents us from fully embracing our sexuality. Indeed, Dederer notes how her desire is never all encompassing but instead she describes it as an internal monologue constantly questioning her actions.

^{Do women take sex to heart more than men?}

With all this in mind, and do excuse me for going all Carrie Bradshaw on you, but I just couldn't help but wonder, when it comes to sex between men and women... are women set on a path to lose? Is sex (still) a man's game?

Male friends are pretty exasperated when I posit this, as are several female friends. “Alright so I may not feel vulnerable after sex like some women might, but I think guys have equally crap issues to contend with, how about performance scrutiny?” says Jack, a 36 year-old producer.

Meg Barker relationship therapist and author of Rewriting the Rules,says: “Women may struggle with double standards, but men face much more pressure to perform in the bedroom than women, especially today when the focus for our culture is female pleasure."

Marc, a 33 year-old photographer, confides: “Sometimes I can only last three or four hours." He's French.

'Sex IS a woman's domain'

Laura Lee, an independent sex worker of 20 years, gives an interesting insight on the topic. “Oh I feel bad for men these days, they have so many gadgets to compete with I find that many male customers come to me not to have sex but to practice how to satisfy a woman. Twenty years ago in Ireland, where I come from, sex was seen as something subservient, something done solely to please a man. Now I would say it is almost 100 per cent a woman’s domain, it’s evident in that I have witnessed a steady increase in the number of female customers over the past two decades. It’s amazing the change we’ve experienced.”

Quilliam too assures me that “sex is becoming increasingly a women’s game,” but adds “we still have a long way to go before it is a level playing field, at the moment we are in a transition period and the only common theme I see is confusion from both sexes."

Barker agrees on this point. “We know very little about real sex. The same survey last year that concluded women had doubled their number of sexual partners also founded that 44 per cent of men and 51 per cent of women consider themselves to have sexual problem, which are shocking figures.

"From the media we think sex should be enjoyed a particular way and should look a certain way, so when it doesn’t it leads many to worry about things which are actually normal.”

^{Better sex education is key}

Barker points out that as many as 70 per cent of women are unable to reach climax through intercourse but we're never taught that in schools. I don’t recall learning much in sex ed class; rather than leaving me with any useful information, it sounded more like that scene from Mean Girls – “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die'.

The 'idea' of sex

A lack of awareness and a total ambivalence in our attitudes towards sex has inevitably affected both men and women’s ideas about sex. So yes, we’re confused, but I am encouraged by Quilliam, Lee and Barker. And even more so by some of my female peers who don’t share my doubts.

Several of my more sexually uninhibited female friends look at me quizzically when I ask them if they ever feel unsure about sex, my favourite answer being from Daisy, a 24 year-old actor based in Bristol. “What? What do you mean? Er, maybe if I’m full? Like, if I’ve just eaten an Indian or something,” she laughs.

It's obvious that you'll only feel as good as you feel comfortable about something. So in the words of Salt ‘n’ Pepa, let's talk about sex… though perhaps not over a curry.